


murder time with karasuno and friends

by namu_rising



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Assassins & Hitmen, Dark Comedy, Established Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Hinata Shouyou and Kageyama Tobio Fight, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Kinda, Long-Suffering Sawamura Daichi, M/M, Memes, Multi, Nishinoya Yuu & Tanaka Ryuunosuke are Bros, Tanaka Ryuunosuke is a Good Friend, Texting, Tsukishima Kei Being an Asshole, Yamaguchi Tadashi's Freckles, constantly, eventually, everyone's in college, it's complicated - Freeform, nishinoya is a chemist, the other teams will get here too, the shipping isn't the focus, they are all terrible fuckin people, who still play volleyball sometimes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-03-02 14:53:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13320501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/namu_rising/pseuds/namu_rising
Summary: king.kage: sodinocity: here we fucking goking.kage: does anyone know how to get bloodstains outdirector_enno: how much blood are we talkingking.kage: likeking.kage: a lotdirector_enno: but to be specificking.kage: a whole lottensmallgiants: he's asking for a friend





	1. there's blood on my carpet (and it won't come out)

**Author's Note:**

> ahh, i wrote this in one sitting while my sister smothered me with a pillow. i hope it shows in my writing. these boys do love their murder

**king.kage** : so

 

 **dinocity** : here we fucking go

 

 **king.kage** : does anyone know how to get bloodstains out

 

 **director_enno** : how much blood are we talking

 

 **king.kage** : like

 

 **king.kage** : a lot

 

 **director_enno** : but to be specific

 

 **king.kage** : a whole lot

 

 **tensmallgiants** : he's asking for a friend

 

 **tensmallgiants** : that would like to know the answer immediately

 

 **yamyams** : bleach.

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : TRY WHITE VINEGAR

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : OR AMMONIA

 

 **director_enno** : who's the friend

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU** : LOL ennoshita always asking questions

 

 **beardedace** : Why are you all talking about this like it's normal?

 

 **dinocity** : exactly

 

 **yamyams** : or peroxide. i recommend peroxide for a beginner; bleach gives me a headache.

 

 **yamyams** : makes it hard for me to focus on the task at hand.

 

 **dinocity** : wtf

 

 **dinocity** : what 

 

 **yamyams** : JustGirlyThings™

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU** : Ah, my son has learned well

 

 **suga_sweet** : I enjoy the smell of bleach honestly? But u do u, it's fine

 

 **beardedace** : Of course you do.

 

 **suga_sweet** : make sure you rinse with cold water and wear gloves, okay?

 

 **king.kage** : yes mom

 

 **sugar_sweet** : and remember- if ur going to burn anything

 

 **tensmallgiants** : do it in an safe, inconspicuous environment!!!

 

 **dinocity** : i

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : BURNING THINGS IS QUITE FUN

 

 **beardedace** : No, Noya. It's dangerous.

 

 **dinocity** : am confused

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : DANGER IS MY MIDDLE NAME

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU** : YEAH IT IS

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU** : BURNING SHIT CAN MAKE YOU REALLY FEEL LIKE A MAN

 

 **director_enno** : that's because you're a pyro

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU** : SHUT UP

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU** : ENNOSHIT

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU** : BEACAUSE THAT'S WHAT COMES OUT YOUR MOUTH

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU** : SHIT

 

 **director_enno** : You know, your dorm is right across from mine. 

 

 **director_enno** : I've always wondered why you never had the balls to say any of this to my face.

 

 **director_enno** : Maybe it's because you value your life?

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : OH

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : DAMN

 

 **dinocity** : is someone finally getting removed

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : IS THAT PROPER GRAMMAR

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU** : dude help i hear footsteps 

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU** : HE'S CALLING FOR ME HELP NOYA PLEASE

 

 **director_enno** : Do you really want me to hurt Nishinoya, too?

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU** : dude

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYU** : please

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : MOM SAVE HIM

 

 **suga_sweet** : No can do, noya, sorry, lol.

 

 **beardedace** : So cold!?

 

 **suga_sweet** : Watch yourself, asahi. I know where you sleep

 

 **suga_sweet** : And the exact locations of things that can cause blunt force trauma in your home

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : DUDE I TRIED

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : ITS OUT OF MY HANDS

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : HE KNOWS YOUR DAILY SCHEDULE

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : WHERE YOU SLEEP

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : YOU WONT WIN

 

 **director_enno** : You should say something now. Your punishment will be less severe if you correct your error as quickly as possible.

 

 **yamyams** : woah

 

 **tensmallgiants** : s-scary!!

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : DUDE SAY SOMETHING

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : I DONT KNOW WHAT KINKY SHIT UR INTO BUT

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : YOU CAN ONLY SAVE URSELF NOW

 

 **director_enno** : Well?

 

 **director_enno** : I'm waiting, Ryuunosuke.

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : IF U DONT RESPOND IM ASSUMING U WANT TO COMMIT SUICIDE

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : BECAUSE ENNO IS GOING TO MURDER YOU

 

 **king.kage** : senpai if you value your life you should apologize.

 

 **dinocity** : that's rich coming from you

 

 **yamyams** : lol

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU** : I formally apologize on behalf of the Tanaka family for tarnishing the honorable Ennoshita family name.

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU** : Please accept this picture of Tanaka Ryuunosuke bowing.

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU** : ( _insert imsofuckingsorry.jpeg_ )

 

 **director_enno** : Acceptable.

 

 **director_enno** : For now.

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : WHAT KIND OF OMINOUS SHIT

 

 **director_enno** : anyway, back to hinata and kags dilemma

 

 **director_enno** : fake suicide is better for cover ups, you know that, right

 

 **director_enno** : cuts cleaning time in half since the blood will help conceal your identity and concrete the scene

 

 **suga_sweet** : ah, there he goes again. ennoshita, u really do think of your murders as your own movie scenes don't u

 

 **suga_sweet** : how cute!

 

 **director_enno** : suga-senpai pls

 

 **tensmallgiants** : we knowww

 

 **tensmallgiants** : but it's just not gonna work with this dude kageyama messed him up too much!!

 

 **king.kage** : shut up, dumbass

 

 **tensmallgiants** : make me as whole!!! you wanna go or what?!?!

 

 **dinocity** : *asshole

 

 **yamyams** : lol, tsukki

 

 **suga_sweet** : yamaguchi don't encourage him. it inflates his ego

 

 **tensmallgiants** : i'll fight u too u tall duck don't test me!!!

 

 **dinocity** : *fuck

 

 **dinocity** : at least that's what i'm assuming

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU** : KICK THEIR ASSES HINATA

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU** : I believe in my KOUHAI!

 

 **tensmallgiants** : had it not been for the laws of this land and the body I'm currently dragging I would have killed u

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : FIRST CLASSIC MEME

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : AW YES

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : KEEP EM COMIN

 

 **director_enno** : I'll pay you to make sure they don't

 

 **tensmallgiants** : but anyway

 

 **tensmallgiants** : I'm not good at setting up stuff like that!!!

 

 **tensmallgiants** : but thanks!!!

 

 **beardedace** : I'm so confused.

 

 **beardedace** : What is going on and what's a meme?

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : WHATS A MEME

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU** : WHAT'S A MEME?!??!?!?!

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : ( _insert classicmeme.jpeg_ )

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU** : ALLOW US TO EXPLAIN

 

 **director_enno** : you've really done it now

 

 **suga_sweet** : not today

 

_**SHIRTLESSRYUU** and **ROLLINGYUU** have been MUTED. _

 

 **director_enno** : god bless you

 

 **suga_sweet** : I'll add them back them later.

 

 **dinocity** : you absolutely do not have to at all

 

 **suga_sweet** : I'm sure u doing fine hinata. and u too kags. don't get too reckless with ur weapons

 

 **suga_sweet** : I just want u to be safe.

 

 **tensmallgiants** : thx!!! you!!! mom!!!

 

 **king.kage** : if we don't text back in like three hours send someone

 

 **dinocity** : why

 

 **king.kage** : we could be hurt

 

 **dinocity** : so

 

 **yamyams** : is he still alive? is he a big target or something?

 

 **tensmallgiants** : yes!

 

 **tensmallgiants** : to both questions!!!

 

 **tensmallgiants** : he's twitching!! and he's really heavy!!

 

 **yamyams** : did you use noya-senpai's poison?

 

 **king.kage** : yes

 

 **tensmallgiants** : yes!!!

 

 **king.kage** : it works really fast

 

 **tensmallgiants** : like shroop and wroom and gwahhh!!

 

 **tensmallgiants** : and then they start twitching!!

 

 **tensmallgiants** : it's amazing!!

 

 **dinocity** : ugh

 

 **king.kage** : your on the list

 

 **dinocity** : what list

 

 **dinocity** : also *you're

 

 **king.kage** : dick

 

 **dinocity** : what list

 

 **tensmallgiants** : kage-jerk when I get to your door you better be ready this asshole is super heavy

 

 **king.kage** : i've been at the door for ten minutes now

 

 **king.kage** : where the hell are u

 

 **adozenadai** : this what I wake up to

 

 **suga_sweet** : aww daichi

 

 **su** **ga_sweet** : there you are!

 

 **suga_sweet** : Hinata and kags are doing something with a body!

 

 **adozenadai** : oh okay

 

 **adozenadai** : WAit WhAtadozs

 

 **adozenadai** : What the fuck did I miss in my six hour nap

 

 **director_enno** : i thought that was called sleep, but ok

 

 **dinocity** : what LIST 

 

  


 

 


	2. things i hide (my unsweetened side)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ohoho?
> 
> yes.
> 
> knives?
> 
> also yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> text fics are really fun for me because i don't have to overthink the dialogue so it starts to flow naturally. it's supposed to be funny and silly and i love it. and thank you to everyone who commented on the last chap y'all really brightened my day. made a girl giggle and shit
> 
> after this chap the story gets a little chronological but there won't be too much plot
> 
> enjoy!

**yamyams** : my fReaKing KNives

 

 **yamyams** :  thEY ARE GONE

 

 **yamyams** : AJDGHEHSMSNSBD

 

 **adozenadai** : woah

 

 **adozenadai** : now hold on there pal

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : BUDDY

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU** : GOOD FRIEND O MINE

 

 **dinocity** : you're only acting like this because ennoshita-senpai isn't here

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU** : HE CAN'T HOLD ME BACK

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU** : ANY LONGER

 

 **adozenadai** : He'll be here in a little while tsukishima don't worry

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : HE HAS A TEST RN NO HE WONT

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : SET YOUR SPIRIT FREE RYUU

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU** : AHHHHH

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU** : ( _insert shirtoffmemeson.jpeg_ )

 

 **king.kage** : where did you buy that shirt senpai

 

 **adozenadai** : If you're that fired up maybe you can use that energy to clean my guns

 

 **ROLLINGYUU** : were good

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU** : totally fine

 

  **adozenadai** : The decision has already been made

 

 **tensmallgiants** : what's wrong yama?!

 

 **yamyams** : my very nice roommate invited his not so nice friends over while I was gone

 

 **dinocity:** if people knew what you for did for a living i'm sure they'd count you as not so nice too but go on

 

 **yamyams** : now my whole knife collection is missing

 

 **king.kage:** that's not good

 

 **yamyams:** they even took my silver plated one

 

 **yamyams:**  which was a gift

 

 **yamyams:** from my mom

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU:** LOL why she giving you gifts like that

 

 **king.kage:** really not good

**yamyams:** oh god

 

 **adozenadai:** Hey, hey

 

 **adozenadai:** Calm down and take deep breaths

 

 **adozenadai:** Who's your roommate

 

 **yamyams:** kozume kenma

 

 **tensmallgiants:** oh!! cat boy!!!

 

 **king.kage:** ???

 

 **king.kage:** why does everyone you know have a dumbass nickname

 

 **adozenadai:** Do you know him hinata

 

 **tensmallgiants:** yeah!!

 

 **tensmallgiants:** we hang out sometimes!

 

 **tensmallgiants:** he's really quiet and super nice!!

 

 **tensmallgiants:** dunno about his friends though???

 

 **dinocity:** oh god

 

 **adozenadai:** What is it

 

 **king.kage:** what

**dinocity:** i 

 

 **dinocity:** remembered something

 

 **dinocity:** yesterday kuroo texted me

 

 **adozenadai:** Huh

 

 **king.kage:** who is that

 

 **yamyams:** the thief? he's friends with kenma, really?

 

 **king.kage:** did they steal the knives

 

 **ROLLINGYUU:** OH IS THAT THE DUDE WITH THE MESSY HAIR

 

 **ROLLINGYUU:** LOL HES A RIOT

**SHIRTLESSRYUU:** him and the OWL BOY

 

 **dinocity:** ugh

 

 **dinocity:** can you not call him 'owl boy'

 

 **adozenadai:** Hmm

 

 **adozenadai:** I didn't know you were friends with Kuroo

 

 **dinocity:** that sounds like disapproval

 

 **dinocity:** didn't expect that from you

 

 **dinocity:** hmm

 

 **king.kage:** stop humming glasses face

 

 **king.kage:** it's gross

 

 **dinocity:** make me

 

 **tensmallgiants:** i'll help u fite him kageyama!!!

 

 **king.kage:** plaes don't

 

 **dinocity:** *fight

 

 **dinocity:** *please

 

 **yamyams:** what

 

 **yamyams:** did

 

 **yamyams:** kuroo

 

 **yamyams:** say

 

 **dinocity:** he just said

 

 **dinocity:** ohoho three times

 

 **tensmallgiants:** is that normal??

 

 

 **ROLLINGYUU:** SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT

 

 **dinocity:** two more than normal so i was a bit alarmed

 

 **dinocity:** but i just brushed it off

 

 **dinocity:** clearly i was wrong to do so

 

 **adozenadai:** Yeah

 

 **adozenadai:** That's never good

 

 **dinocity:**  i can add him to this group chat if you'd like

 

 **yamyams:** asap

 

 **ROLLINGYUU:** OH SHIT CONFRONTATION TIME

**SHIRTLESSRYUU:** IT'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN

 

_**dinocity** has ADDED **nyah.tetsuro** to the conversation. _

 

 **dinocity:** this is going to be a mess i can tell

 

 **nyah.tetsuro:** babe what is this

 

 **ROLLINGYUU:** BABE

 

 **ROLLINGYUU:** LOL

 

 **ROLLINGYUU:** DIDNT THINK HED BE UR TYPE

**SHIRTLESSRYUU:** HE FOOLED US

 

 **dinocity:** and i was right

 

 **king.kage:** quick hinata insert that gif of me spitting out milk

 

 **tensmallgiants:** gotcha!!

 

 **tensmallgiants:** ( _insert pfffft.gif_ )

 

 **king.kage:** thank you

**SHIRTLESSRYUU:** Lol

 

 **yamyams:** ahem

 

 **yamyams:** are you Kuroo Tetsurou?

 

 **nyah.tetsurou:** yeah lol why

 

 **dinocity:** god here we go

 

 **adozenadai:** Hold on tsukishima it hasn't gotten bad YET

 

 **yamyams:** did you visit Kozume Kenma yesterday?

 

 **nyah.tetsurou:** yeah lol why

 

 **adozenadai:** I take it back

 

 **adozenadai:** It's bad

 

 **nyah.tetsurou:** he wasn't there though

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU:** so why did you stay????

 

 **nyah.tetsurou:** idk

 

 **nyah.tetsurou:** who says i did

 

 **adozenadai:** Kuroo have you stolen some knives recently

 

 **king.kage:** have you stolen some milk cartons recently

 

 **tensmallgiants:** jerk, I told u that an accident!!!! and I said sorry too!!!

 

 **dinocity:** disregard them

 

 **adozenadai:** recently meaning yesterday

 

 **adozenadai:** Knives that may belong to Yamaguchi

 

 **yamyams:** aka Kozume Kemma's roommate

 

 **nyah.tetsurou:** yeah lol why

 

 **tensmallgiants:** give them back!!! their not yours!!!

 

 **ROLLINGYUU:** WHAT HE SAID

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU:** ( _insert grrrrr.jpeg_ )

 

 **nyah.tetsurou:** nyah

 

 **adozenadai:** And it's worse

 

 **dinocity:**  kuroo, please return them

 

 **dinocity:** also *they're

 

 **nyah.tetsurou:** lol

 

 **nyah.tetsurou:** and sorry no can do babe

 

 **ROLLINGYUU:** AGAIN

 

 **yamyams:** why the fuck not

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU:** ooh

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU:** good question

 

 **nyah.tetsurou:** some guy specifically asked for your shit

 

 **nyah.tetsurou:** made an offer i couldn't refuse

 

 **adozenadai:** Damn, i was gonna say something

 

 **adozenadai:** but karasuno's broke right now 

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU:** it's all enno's damn EQUIPMENT

 

 **king.kage:** who was it

 

 **nyah.tetsurou:** lol client confidentiality

 

 **dinocity:** you've never cared about that before

 

 **nyah.tetsurou:** those people weren't paying me 2000 a gig either

 

 **nyah.tetsurou:** srry not srry

 

 **tensmallgiants:** you are so mean!!!!

 

 **tensmallgiants:** yams really loves his knives!!! they're his pride and joy!!!!

 

 **tensmallgiants:** he gets all gwah and pwoooong when he's using one

 

 **dinocity:** read: gets horny

 

 **yamyams:** tsukki

 

 **yamyams:** c'mon

 

 **yamyams:** I wouldn't do that to you

 

 **adozenadai:** It's not good to kinkshame others tsukishima

 

 **ROLLINGYUU:** WELL FIND YOURS AND DO IT TOO YOU SO WATCH OUT

 

 **king.kage:** knaf

 

 **king.kage:** knif

 

 **king.kage:** knife

**yamyams:** guys

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU:** *WHEEZE*

**SHIRTLESSRYUU:** I'M FUCKING WEAK

 

 **nyah.tetsurou:** thanks for that I was confused

 

 **tensmallgiants:** the least you could do is tell us a little hint!!!

 

 **nyah.tetsurou:** ughhh

 

 **nyah.tetsurou:** fine it's a guy in dai's class

**nyah.tetsurou:** he's a lefty

 

 **nyah.tetsurou:** prtty tall

 

 **nyah.tetsurou:** there I'm done

 

 **adozenadai:** Wait hold on

 

_**nyah.tetsurou** has LEFT the conversation. _

****

**adozenadai:** Damn

 

 **dinocity:** that went about as well as expected

 

 **yamyams:** is there a left handed guy in ur class daichi-san

 

 **yamyams:** please say yes because I don't think I can handle anymore bad news

 

 **adozenadai:** Uh, I'll have to see

 

 **adozenadai:** He also wasn't specific about any of my classes so now I have to check all of them

 

 **adozenadai:** But don't worry Yamaguchi

 

 **adozenadai:** We'll do all we can to help get them back 

 

 **yamyams:** thanks daichi-san

 

 **dinocity:** for what it's worth I'm sorry

 

 **king.kage:** its worth absolutely nothing

 

 **ROLLINGYUU:** HUSH KAGEYAMA THIS IS A RARE MOMENT

 

 **ROLLINGYUU:**  TSUKISHIMA APOLOGISING

**SHIRTLESSRYUU:** IT'S BEAUTIFUL

 

 **yamyams:** it's okay tsukki

 

 **yamyams:** it wasn't your fault

 

 **yamyams:** so there is nothing for you to apologize for

 

 **yamyams:** I was thinking on getting new ones anyway

 

 **yamyams:** ah, I've got to go

 

_**yamyams** has LEFT the conversation._

 

 **tensmallgiants:** oh nooo!!

 

 **dinocity:** damn

 

 **dinocity:** he's pissed

 

 **dinocity:** I have to go track down kuroo

 

 **king.kage:** he's your boyfriend

 

 **king.kage:** why don't you know where he lives

 

 **dinocity:** I don't have time for this shit

 

_**dinocity** has LEFT the conversation. _

**tensmallgiants:** yeah even I know where kageyama lives

 

 **adozenadai:** Don't you both live together though

 

 **ROLLINGYUU:** ( _insert facepalm.jpeg_ )

 

 **suga_sweet:** that's an L.

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU:** WHERE WERE YOU

 

 **suga_sweet:** i've been here the whole time.

 

 **SHIRTLESSRYUU:** chaotic neutral

  


 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yooo,,,, like who is this mystery man??? tell me what you think in the comments lol


	4. open your heart (i'll eat it whole)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> trouble in paradise??? really??? 
> 
> suga and daichi go at it???
> 
> ur lying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me thinking about writing this  
> me: the shipping isn't the focus
> 
> vs. me actually writing  
> me: fucking DAISUGA AANGST!!! AnGST EvERywHere!!!! 
> 
> like why did i think i could do it idk lol and sorry it took so long but like I wasn't satisfied but I didn't want to give y'all shit oop
> 
> p.s all bold text means it's an unsent message

**ROLLINGYUU:** OPEN YOUR DOOR SUGA

 

**ROLLINGYUU:** OPEN

 

**ROLLINGYUU:** YOUR 

 

**ROLLINGYUU:** FUCKING 

 

**ROLLINGYUU:** DOOR 

 

**ROLLINGYUU:** SUUUGGGAAAAAAA

 

**ROLLINGYUU:** OPEN 

 

**ROLLINGYUU:** IT

**ROLLINGYUU:** OPEN IT 

 

**ROLLINGYUU:** NOW

 

_**suga_sweet** has MUTED **ROLLINGYUU**_

 

**suga_sweet:** it's too fucking early for this shit

 

**beardedace:** Can someone explain why my phone is blowing up at 3 in the morning?

 

**king.kage:** We're being chased by the cops and suga's apartment is the closest

 

**suga_sweet:**  who's fault is that

 

**adozenadai:**  Nishinoya's

 

**king.kage:** noya senpai 

 

**suga_sweet:** figures 

 

**beardedace:** Hey! You haven't even said what he did yet!

 

**suga_sweet:** we get it asahi. ur biased

 

**king.kage:** noya senpai accidentally dropped a bottle of sodium hydroxide at a 7/11 and the cashier thought it was cocaine

 

**suga_sweet:**  why a 7/11?? whyyy

 

**beardedace:**  Why was he carrying that?

 

**adozenadai:** I was helping noya work in the lab when he got lost track of time

 

**adozenadai:** And then we got thirsty

 

**king.kage:**  him and daichi san were buying beer 

 

**king.kage:** i was around

 

**adozenadai:**  As if that first bit wasn't incriminating enough Nishinoya looks like a child, so the cashier called the cops on us 

 

**beardedace:** Well...

 

**suga_sweet:** sounds like guilty to me 

 

**adozenadai:**  if you're going to defend him you might as well come help us 

 

**adozenadai:** we're by takehama station 

 

**adozenadai:** kags and noya are on lookout 

 

**suga_sweet:** are you going to pick them up and become a suspect? lol people already think ur a criminal asahi

 

**suga_sweet:** do you really love noya enough to go to jail for him

 

**beardedace:** Hey! Don't bring Noya into this! That's cruel, even for you, man. 

 

**suga_sweet:** i'm not even at my worst asahi 

 

**beardedace:** I would totally

 

**beardedace:** Totally...do...that

 

**king.kage:** noya says it's okay if you won't to go to jail with him

 

**king.kage:** he knows you wouldn't be able to handle it

 

**beardedace:** I...I could help bail him out?

 

**suga_sweet:**  they'll probably think ur his sugar daddy 

 

**king.kage:** gross

 

**king.kage:** anyway please help us

 

**suga_sweet:** ughhh daichi where's ur spare key

 

**adozenadai:** Shit, I left it in my other murder bag

 

**beardedace:** You have more than one?!

 

**suga_sweet:** there's another, just check the rug

 

**adozenadai:** it's not there

 

**suga_sweet:** oh, darn

 

**suga_sweet:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

**suga_sweet:** back to bed i go 

 

**beardedace:** Wait, why won't you just open the door?

 

**suga_sweet:** i'm not even home

 

**dinocity:** why must i awaken to such misery and despair at such an hour

 

**suga_sweet:** evanescence died in the early 2000s tsukki 

 

**suga_sweet:** along with your sense of humor

 

**dinocity:** i see suga san is without a soul today 

 

**dinocity:** are you sleeping somewhere cold

 

**dinocity:** daichi should help you find it

 

**dinocity:** so you can lead it back home

**director_enno:** fuck you guys, you woke me up

 

**beardedace:** Inside?

 

**director_enno:** what the hell are you talking about?

**adozenadai:** ennoshita don't mind him 

 

**adozenadai:**   And hush, tsukishima, it's not even that early 

 

**dinocity:** it's three am

 

**dinocity:** that's earlier than i've ever gotten up in my entire life

 

**king.kage:** THE COPS ARE GETTING FUCKING CLOSER SUGA IC cCAN hERE siRENS  

 

**king.kage:**  oPEN YOUR DOOROR ELSE III WILL BE FOOORCED TO BRRAKKE IN 

 

**king.kage:** im sorry nishinoya senpai took my phone

 

**dinocity:** thanks for the confirmation you two text so similarly i couldn't tell

 

**king.kage:** dick

 

**director_enno:** tsukishima, kageyama, never change

 

**suga_sweet:** you tell noya that if he breaks into my apartment 

 

**suga_sweet:** i'll throw out all his hair gel 

 

**king.kage:** he says youre bluffing

 

**suga_sweet:** _(insert trymebitch.jpeg)_

 

**dinocity:** *you're

 

**beardedace:** You're never too tired to spell check, huh?

 

**adozenadai:** Can you please just let us break in I'd rather not be arrested today 

 

**suga_sweet:** noor else you'll be paying my lease fine and the repair fee for my busted door

 

**director_enno:** where are you anyway

 

**suga_sweet:** at oikawa's place rn and i'm not leaving anytime soon

 

**suga_sweet:** so tough luck

 

**adozenadai:** Are you seriously hanging out with him again

 

**adozenadai:**  He's our enemy

 

**suga_sweet:** when did oikawa become the enemy??

 

**adozenadai:** ever since they stormed our territory and took credit for our hits 

 

**beardedace:**  What territory?

 

**adozenadai:** ennoshita, remember when I was late paying you for the kyoto job

 

**director_enno:** you still haven't paid me what are you talking about

 

**adozenadai:** it's because those aoba johsai assholes lied and took our hard earned money

 

**king.kage:** OOH

 

**king.kage:** DID THEY NOW 

 

**king.kage:** FUCCK THE EEM 

 

**king.kage:** i'm sorry he took it again

 

**beardedace:**  Just hold your phone above your head, Kageyama.

 

**dinocity:** sigh 

 

**king.kage:** it's working 

 

**director_enno:**  nishinoya's 5'2 of course it works 

 

**suga_sweet:** first of all, that's not even true

 

**suga_sweet:** aoba johsai came to us personally and said they had nothing to do with it

 

**suga_sweet:** not only that, but people have taken credit for their hits too

 

**suga_sweet:** if anything it could have been those shiratorizawa or johenzi fuckers  

 

**suga_sweet:** just because you have some type of problem with him doesn't mean i have to 

 

**suga_sweet:** and i don't appreciate you talking about him like that 

 

**adozenadai:** i just don't think you should be hanging around him he's a master manipulator and a huge jerk 

 

**adozenadai:** he lies constantly. kageyama used to fucking work with him 24/7 and look how he turned out 

 

**adozenadai:** no offense

 

**king.kage:** um

 

**king.kage:** none taken 

 

**dinocity:** ppfft 

 

**suga_sweet:** ur not anyone's dad dai so stop acting like one

 

**suga_sweet:**  and contrary to what everyone believes we aren't married 

 

**suga_sweet:** i'm not ur wife and u don't own me 

 

**suga_sweet:** ur so controlling sometimes it makes me sick

 

**adozenadai:**  you sure you wanna have this conversation now 

 

**suga_sweet:** are u sure u do?? cause idfc

 

**suga_sweet:** i can have it anytime anyplace anywhere 

 

**beardedace:** Oh god.

 

**director_enno:** i sense a rant coming on

 

**dinocity:** i can smell the pent up rage in the air

 

**suga_sweet:**  you're such a hypocrite, you hang out with iwaizumi all the time

 

**suga_sweet:** last time i checked, he was a part of aoba johsai 

 

**suga_sweet:** the fucking vice operative, as a matter of fact 

 

**suga_sweet:** or have you just decided to conveniently ignore that

 

**king.kage:** oh

 

**king.kage:** the sirens sound further away

 

**king.kage:** i think we might be safe

 

**adozenadai:** that's different

 

**suga_sweet:** how tf is that different??

 

**suga_sweet:** god, just what is ur problem with me and oikawa

 

**suga_sweet:** we're fucking just friends 

 

**suga_sweet:**  maybe you're just too jealous use your critical thinking skills but i'm not with this shit today

 

**suga_sweet:** i'm tired of feeling bad about hanging out with my close friend just because my goddamn boyfriend thinks i'm fucking him 

 

**suga_sweet:** nothing even happened the last time i was over at his house so stop getting so fucking defensive over everything

 

**suga_sweet:** it's getting old u don't fucking own me

 

**dinocity:** damn trouble in paradise

 

**king.kage:** i think i should go 

 

**beardedace:** Same.

 

**director_enno:** i just want to see how it ends

 

**beardedace:** You just want to keep it as an idea for a script.

 

**SHIRTLESSRYUU:** damn i just woke up and someone's already getting their shit handed to them by suga

 

**SHIRTLESSRYUU:** like what happened

 

**director_enno:** scroll up 

 

**SHIRTLESSRYUU:** aw damn

 

**SHIRTLESSRYUU:** damn!

 

**SHIRTLESSRYUU:** dai u fucked up 

 

**suga_sweet:** it's too early in the morning for this nonsense

 

**suga_sweet:** how're you gonna ask for my help and then get mad at me like wtf

 

**suga_sweet:** you've lost ur entire mind sawamura

 

**suga_sweet:** i am a grown ass man i can do and go wherever i damn well please and hang out with whoever i damn well please too

 

**dinocity:** oh my god 

 

**SHIRTLESSRYUU:** SOMEONE HELP THIS MAN 

 

**SHIRTLESSRYUU:** I NEED SOME MILK CAUSE THAT

 

**SHIRTLESSRYUU:** THAT WAS TOO SPICY

 

**adozenadai:** i'm just curious

 

**beardedace:** oh no he's starting too

 

**adozenadai: when did you ever come across the impression that i was trying to stop you from doing whatever the hell you wanted to do**

 

**adozenadai: the only reason i was so suspicious in the first place is beacuse you cheated on him with me back in freshman year, remember**

 

**adozenadai: seems like im not the only person being hypocritical here, sugawara**

 

**adozenadai: i want to trust you, but its kind of hard when you're always all over him**

 

**adozenadai: that shit makes me feel insecure as hell**

 

**adozenadai: every fucking day i think about if you're going to leave me for someone else, y'know**

 

**adozenadai: that shit hurts**

 

**adozenadai:** Have you ever even considered the way he acts around other people? he's fucking cruel

 

**suga_sweet:** he's plenty nice to me

**suga_sweet:** both in looks and demeanor

**dinocity:** damn

 

**director_enno:** is oikawa the guy everyone calls the grand king

 

**dinocity:** the only people who call him that are the people in this group chat

 

**king.kage:** technically aren't we all not nice guys since we murder people

 

**dinocity:** i've never killed a person in my entire life

 

**suga_sweet:** that's right, tsukki

 

**suga_sweet:** the only thing you've ever killed was your heart

 

**director_enno:** someone's cranky

 

**adozenadai:** i see

 

**king.kage:** noya senpai says that if he tells you why the cops are after him will you stop being a 

 

**king.kage:** his words not mine

 

**king.kage:** being a huge bitch

 

**suga_sweet:** hmm

 

**suga_sweet:** i'll think about it, you all have royally pissed me off

 

**adozenadai:** Fine then

 

**adozenadai:** We have plenty of other resources available

 

**suga_sweet:** i don't care

 

**suga_sweet:** not my problem anymore

  ** _suga_sweet_** _has **LEFT** the chat _

 

**director_enno:** yamaguchi lives like two miles from his house just run there

 

**king.kage:** we can't 

 

**dinocity:** they can't 

 

**beardedace** : Why not?

 

**dinocity:** whenever he's frustrated he invites someone over for what he calls 

**dinocity:** funtimes

 

**SHIRTLESSRYUU:** PFFT

 

**SHIRTLESSRYUU:** WHAT

 

**dinocity:** i do not advise making your way there 

 

**dinocity:** this is all I can tell you

 

**adozenadai:** Eh, we already know he has a knife fetish

 

**adozenadai:** Yams can't be any kinkier than that

 

**dinocity:** it's your funeral

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all are so nice for putting up with my bullshit thanks for reading once again

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos keep me functioning! did u like it? tell me. did u hate it? tell me! do you want more?
> 
>  
> 
> tell me dammit i have a whole head full of ideas!!


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